It’s no secret that I have never been particularly subtle.
It’s no secret I have never bothered with hinting
It’s no secret that there is a quite a lot of things I am rubbish at, and it’s no secret I am rubbish at coping with that.
The truth is, there is quite a lot of things that I need to improve with, he said himself, there are aspects I should be better at by now. But he acknowledged it is not only down to me to improve. He knows if he wanted something done, it would be.
Improvement and self improvement has always been important to me, long before kink, long before recognizing my own desire to please others. As i’ve said before if you don’t feel happy no amount of hearing nice things will make you happy. Not for longer than 5 minutes anyway.
Self improvement for me is not about making a list of silly resolutions that I can head into the new year with and keep up for the first two weeks of January. I’m not interested in that, although some of what I aim to improve has been littered across many a resolution list..
I want to look better. I look good now, but good has never really been my thing. So I aim to change this. More difficult though, I want to be better at coping with loss and I need to learn to articulate in a more subtle way. Me and “him” have had a number of arguments recently because instead of acting rational and calm, I get defensive and angry. These are parts of my personality that have always been there, friends have said it, parents have said it but he said it. It’s not something that can be beaten out of me, it’s something I need to actively work on myself.
It’s the fight or flight. I’ve always been a fight kind of person. If I feel threatened or if something goes beyond my control walls come up. Always have. Does not make me a bad person, just occasionally leads me to a difficult cross roads as a submissive. As his submissive. Some of it, comes to not feeling much like his when we are so far apart from each other. some of it comes from regret for waiting until we were so far apart before taking our relationship seriously, but most of it comes from remembering the amazing memories that we have but wondering if they are just a part of our past. Wondering if “us” is more for me than it is for him.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know I mean a lot to him, I know very well how important I am a person in his life. We accomplished so many things together and for many things shared first times and learned a lot. It is knowing this that allows me to carry on being his submissive because we are so far apart. It is knowing this that means we still speak everyday and it is knowing this that I write this blog filled with entries of our experiences because they make me proud.
Not to say I am changing for him, i’m not. It will benefit him, and us immensely, but I am fundamentally changing for myself, and that is the only reason anyone should change. On the contrary, I am not really changing, just hoping to grow. to be more rational and level headed in situations that are out of my control but knowing everything I say or do in that circumstance is justifiable and honest.
Discover me 