15 things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self!

15 things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self

1. Don’t wait around for the prettiest guy in school and be at his beckon call for the last two years of high school. If it’s anything like my experience, you’ll graduate a hell of a lot prettier and more successful than him.

2. Don’t try and be something you’re not to fit in. Anyone who says high school is the best time of their lives didn’t achieve very much after it. Trust me!

3. You don’t have to be liked by everyone! Never apologise for being you, and never apologise for being honest. (Apart from the time you called your science teacher fat, you definitely needed to apologise for that)

4. Boys… Not everyone is going to fancy you, that’s ok! You didn’t like them either, you just wanted the attention. Spend more time with your friends, they’re the memories you remember in your 20’s not that guy you dated for 2 months in school.

5. Your GCSE’S really aren’t the be all and end all of existence. Trust me! Revise yes, but don’t panic.

6. Be nice to your mum. I get it you’re 15 and hormonal but she has to love you regardless and has sat back too often and let you freak out without you taking it out on her. She’ll be your best friend when you’re 20. Trust me

7. Listen to your mum! Same as above, but that advise she gave you that you smirked at and thought you were cool.. You’re not, she’s right.. Was camping in the woods really worth it? Nope

8. Bitchy schoolgirls aren’t the real world. Don’t stress yourself out because your bff fell out with you. They’ll come around or you’ll make better friends

9. Enjoy it. Be a child as long as you can, stop wishing away your teens, trust me, adult life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

10. DON’T TAKE UNDERWEAR selfies it was fine when I was 15, aint no one broadcasting that on dial up AOL broadband but just don’t do it! Ever!

11. You’re not fat. You’re a size 10 and when you’re 22 you’re gonna look back and wish you still had a waist like that.

12. Follow on from number 11, Love yourself. Just do it. Get to know you, and love yourself for who you are

13. You’re not heartbroken. But you weren’t in love either, you have all that to look forward to!

14. Get a hobby… Reading and socialising aren’t good character traits for your CV

15. You don’t need to have a 10 year plan at 15. Trust me love, the plan you thought you had at 15, nothing like the real world, but that’s ok because your reality, really isn’t all that bad!

The power of a kiss.

In my opinion a kiss is the most real raw form of physical contact that exists. Of course, sex is intimate and (if done correctly) an amazing expression of passion and love, but, as many of you will have tried and tested you can have sex with anyone.

Christ that’s what tinder has given us.

But a kiss. Everyone remembers their first kiss. Mine. I was 13 years old and i’d had a massive crush on this guy for months, and finally one day he’d asked me to be his girlfriend. It was all very cute. Months passed and when he was walking me the 50 steps back to my house he kissed me, and I can tell you everything about that evening and every other genuine kiss i’ve had since. Sex though, sure I can name you the people i’ve slept with, there’s a list on my phone to remind me of that. But I couldn’t recite to you the exact location and time and what underwear I was (or was not) wearing at the time.

A kiss can change your entire world, a kiss from the right person will make you feel alive, like time has stopped around you and there are fireworks everywhere. In that moment all that is missing is a magic carpet ready to fly you away to your own happily ever after. You can’t fake that. The look between two people right after the kiss. The look someone gives you that tells you you’re so beautiful, so person, you’re the only person occupying their mind at that exact moment. There is nothing else that will give you that. Because a kiss is true passion, be it a short, fleeting goodbye kiss. (I guarantee if it is both people have walked away replaying the kiss in their head). Or a long, hot kiss usually demonstrated with a hand on the back of the others head.

A kiss creates something so beautiful, so honest and powerful that if you were unsure of anything beforehand, the kiss answers every question.

As Sylvia Plath put it – Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

The fact is, lots of people have written about a kiss, some of the worlds most literary greats from Shakespeare, to Victor Hugo right the way through to Edgar Allan Poe, because irrespective of consequence or time, topic or stance a kiss is the most significant embrace of love two people can share.

Modern social etiquettes.

Just to confirm we are now living in the 21st Century and many of us have embraced a society whereby males and females live on an equal playing field. But there are still many things about that which have not yet changed.

So this blog is looking at outdated dating principles.

Now I date, I date lots as some delightful individual recently told me: “I didn’t realize you’d been on so many dates in such a small period of time”. Just want to highlight, I don’t actually think I date anymore than the usual amount.. and hey, I can’t help being popular 😉. Anyway, I enjoy it, even if it’s just a lovely excuse to meet exciting people. Now it might not go anywhere, or, it either goes one of two ways.. So horrendously bad that I write about it here, or so amazingly awesome…. that I also write about it here.

For the purpose of this post, I’m going to discuss all the outdated etiquette’s that still happen in the world of dating which I think need to be dealt with before we achieve equality on all fronts. (I’ll try and keep it light). Let’s assume I’ve been talking to a really wonderful person, we’re flirting, we’re talking and I want us to meet, I assume he does also (why wouldn’t he… i’m a delight). But he hasn’t asked and as the female in the situation heaven forbid I ask him out. Why?

Why… if he is shy or for fear of coming across too strong should I sit there firing hints, why can I not take control of the matter and suggest we meet for a drink. I don’t know any men who would scare by this approach, and honestly if I did, don’t really want to meet him! He sounds like an utter bellend. He might be the man of my dreams so why, and excuse my French fanny around with hints when you can ask and have him say yes and actually go on a real life date. If you sit back and just wait for him to take charge because you’re worried you’ll look too keen or god forbid you will look strong, then you yourself are helping continue archaic gender stereotypes that really have no place in a modern relationship.

Now, obviously he said yes, and we have just metaphorically been on the most amazing date in the history of dates, I’ve fallen head over heels (not literally, although I definitely have done that before.. kinda worked well for me) for this guy, we kiss goodnight and each head off for our own hellish tube journey home.

Now, the next morning…. What happens..

Previous history and many a rom com dictates that he must text me, I just have to look pretty and stare obscenely at my phone until/if he calls. I’m not sure if there is a boy code dictating the length of time one must wait before making follow up communication. In my opinion though, if it went well just text. I have no time nor patience for ridiculous game playing. I like to think if the date was dire, such conclusions would have been decided there and then, so you only end up waiting for a text if said date did indeed go well. Here is my next issue, why again does he have to text me first? I know, some girls love all the “good morning beautiful” texts, I get it, we all love to feel like someone is thinking about us. But surely that works for him too. Surely he wants to feel wanted, and he wants to know you’re thinking about him..I myself have found my mum asking if he texts me first and then scoffing if I ever ask what the issue would be if I had text him first.

Honestly.. If I text you first, I just wanted to talk, I am in no means suggesting we must immediately get married immediately… 

So here is what I prescribe

If you like him/her. Just bloody tell her.

Want to go on a date, ASK. 

Have you just woken up and want to say something to him/her. CALL.. TEXT…JUST LET THEM KNOW!

And finally.

If at any point during the day, something has happened, or you just want to talk, then text him. No sane person gives a shit if you’ve double texted* (double texting is where you were the last text but have also sent the next text).

You’re probably not shocked to hear…

I’m not ok with what Tim Hunt said.

A leading scientist, a Nobel prize winner, even a knight. A man who has probably contributed to how amazingly far science has come over the last 20/30 years, but not a man who is willing to share the same advancement with that of gender equality.

In case you’re not aware of what he said:

 “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls … three things happen when they are in the lab … You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticize them, they cry.”

First. I am fairly confident that some scientists are gay and thus may fall in love also!?

Second. Not sure that love is in any way relevant to how good you are at science, Hawking’s had a great big family whom he loved…

Third. Putting men and women in different labs doesn’t really stop people falling in love..

Fourth. Women don’t cry when you criticize them.. well i’m sure some people do, but crying isn’t gender specific.

In front of us is a man who doesn’t have to apologize for what he says, because it’s only his belief that labs should be split by sex because obviously with all the oestrogen the women will be far too concerned with men, than to do any real work. He speaks of science needing to be “a level playing field”, but how is it level playing field when to begin with, the women who are granted roles, are paid, on average $4,000 per year less? How is it a level playing field if you want to segregate based on gender. Now i’m not scientist, but with most things, the best things come from a team of people who can work together. By excluding either sex from this how is science going to advance.

I can come at this from another angle. I’m really happy at the number of people who have stood up and said this is wrong, males and females around the world have been backing equality and outwardly promoting feminism. Emma Watson, Mark Ruffalo, Me. But I don’t want to be happy that people are disagreeing, comments like “if you criticize girls they cry” just shouldn’t be said anymore. He would never have got up on that stage and made a speech that said “Only Westerners should be scientists because we’re smarter”, because Racism is illegal, racism is wrong and would not be tolerated, every one of his well wishes and medals would have been stripped and no one would remember who Tom Hunt was. But is only sexism, it’s not a big deal.

Everyday sexism is now a well known thing, there are blogs for it, writings on it, memes and facebook groups alike where males and females can document how they are discriminated by gender. Sexism exists at home, in the street and at work, it’s not isolated to science but every industry around. I’ve heard comments at work. “Can you do this for me i don’t feel like I could take a woman sales assistant serious”. We all have. Most people have encountered sexism, I don’t know of a day that’s gone by since I turned 15 that I have not been cat called to some extent.

IT HAS TO STOP. For too long have we brushed off sexism because it was “just a joke”. For too long we’ve turned the other cheek when someone shouted “get your tits out” because it was easier. For too long have women in the workplace been ostracized and limited because it has always been that way.

Just because it happens everyday doesnt make it ok. Sexism is as wrong, as heartbreaking and as evil as racism, homophobia and any other social injustice.

I’m no worse than you because i’m a woman. I’m no better than you because i’m a woman. But I am a woman and I most certainly am a feminist.

Rejection

Dear Keyboard warrior

Rejection is a funny thing. No one like’s it, but growing up is supposed to make you better at it.

Rejection comes in all shapes and forms, it comes from the “it’s not you it’s me” conversation after a bad date, an unsuccessful job interview, or the less significant left swipe on tinder. Even, my personal favorite, the bitter rejection, where I suddenly went from  being the most beautiful, witty, amazing person you had spoken to in a while, to being a disgrace to humanity. All of that because I dared not be interested in you.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep…

Insults are words, and sure, used correctly, words, as Dumbledore so eloquently put it are “our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it”. But they are words, it is up to the recipient to either take offence or take solitude. It is up to you to believe or to disbelieve. I’ve always lived my life the same way. If you like me, grand, if you don’t that’s your issue. Certainly makes things easier for me when I have to live with rejection and I genuinely believe if you don’t like me, then I have less than no interest in trying to change your opinion of me,

This brings me to you, the man child from last night, you tried to take it upon yourself to break down years of self belief and self worth, and I have to say, it would certainly take someone a lot better and lot more effort to sail that ship. But try you did. I had engaged previously in polite conversation, some could even say a good conversation. Your messages had conviction and strength, two things I have always been a fan of. Then, suddenly you escalated from being a name on a screen I was happily speaking to, to a raving lunatic after I dared admit I had previously dated other people.

After all, you are a “dominant”, (I use the term very loosely here, I believe you are no more of a dominant than my toe nail is) I should commit myself fully to you, this non existent keyboard fiend. I laughed, and communicated my issue with all of what you said by replying “if you don’t like the answer, don’t ask the question”. To which you replied in your silly way. Don’t you ever tell me what to do, ya da ya da ya da. Which is when I excused myself from your conversation.

You could have left it there, you could have walked away and messaged back the other girls you’ve probably tried your luck with. But instead you wanted to play, you wanted to play, lets make Emily regret. Good game, except is harder to win than a game of Go. (I’m told that’s the hardest board game in existence?!). You proceeded to call me, to text me, to inundate me with messages of how “delusional I am”, “how it’s always the 4 out of 10’s who have an ego and they really shouldn’t”, “how you messaged me because i’m fat, and fat should be easy”. You see, my issue with these messages are, I’ve heard better insults in a primary school playground. Really, if we break everything down, all you really said to me in those messages and the missed calls was, please don’t leave me. I need to feel powerful and that’s all gone now.

So, dear keyboard warrior, if you happen to stumble upon this as you frantically stalk me from afar, grow up. Get better at rejection, not everyone is going to like you, live with it.

But in this instance, it’s not me it’s you.

You’re faithfully

Emily.

Embrace it. Embrace you.

I know I said before about real orgasms and faked orgasms, and how if you need to ask the question, you probably don’t want to hear the answer.

The other night I was out with the girls, having a drink, far too much Vodka and even more Tequila.. Short version is I stayed in a hotel with “a friend” and strolled up back to the girls flat at 9am. Classy. I know,. Whilst there we were all talking, all eager to know just what I got up to last night, one of the girls couldn’t quite believe i “was into all that kinky stuff” I mean how could I be. I have a smile that has got me out of expulsion, parking tickets, you name it, I’ve probably done it to get my own way. 

One of the girls snorted upon hearing this, clearly knowing the real me, it was the tha the questions started..

What do you do?

What does it mean, being submissive?

So, what wait, you get hit, and you like it?

HOLY FUCK YOUR ARSE IS SO BRUISED.

You know the usual questions, you’ve probably had the same questions when someone has found out about how you get your kicks.

But that’s not the concern my concern is with peoples lack of explosion, lack of comfort, lack of confidence

People ask me how i’m so confident and I never really understand the question, because of course I have body hang ups. In a perfect world my waist would be a few inches smaller and my tummy a little flatter but it isn’t and I don’t see the point in standing in-front of a mirror and hating my imperfections.

Nevertheless the question came….

“How can you be on your knees, or on all fours and then be on top without worrying about what you look like?”

“I couldn’t do what you do, i’d be all shy and freak out”

Easy answer is because I don’t have time to. I’m far too wrapped up in making sure his dick hits the back of my throat, or coming to terms with the impact my arse just accepted than to worry if I have a little too many curves in the wrong places. I think that should be true for any intimate relationship. Regardless of a vanilla dynamic or bdsm dynamic, regardless of if you’re in the missionary position or have compromised you legs to wrap around the back of your head. If you genuinely have time, in that moment, to worry about how you look, you’re never going to have that really real mind blowing orgasm. It’s so possible, if you give yourself the ability to do to achieve!

Because honestly, him being any good is only half the battle. Get out of your own head and live purely for that moment and I promise you will have the best orgasm of your life.

But the truth is. I can’t teach you to be confident. You first need to be comfortable. Accept that you have flaws, don’t hide from them. Accept that there are things that you might quite like to change be them physical or be them personal traits, but don’t pretend they don’t exist. Embrace them, own them, be ok with them. When you’re ok with the “bad things” (that are probably only bad to you anyway), you’ll learn to love the good things, the way your arse looks in that dress, or how your boobs look in that little black number. Eventually when you have done all that, then you can do anything you want to without worrying how you look doing it.

Just learn to love you and he will learn to love you back, if he doesn’t, that’s his issue.

Dating

So sorry to disappoint some of you but this is just a general post not related specifically to a kinky lifestyle.

I’ve been asked out on a lot of dates recently, some from Dominants and some from vanilla people, I did decline most but it’s still good for the old ego. But I wanted to talk about the whole dating ritual. I’ve always been a big fan of dates, I love any excuse to get dressed up and the first date is where everything is up for grabs, both people are trying to read body language. It’s a bit like a game of tennis, you throw balls at each other, some get thrown back and others sit there, manifesting into control. Whoever finishes the dates with the most aces has the control and leaves the other person incessantly wondering if there will be a second date.You win some, you lose some. Granted first dates are are time where most people try and be a hyped up version of themselves and a lot of what is said is just waffle to try and either end the date or secure a second, but the defining moment of any date is the end.

The bill arrives. Now what?

I’m not sure.

I’ve been on a fair amount of dates, some I’ve split the bill on and others I haven’t paid my way. I actually prefer splitting the bill in most situations, although as was pointed out to me earlier, after declining a date because I wanted to wait for payday, he responded with “I asked you out remember, it’s on me”. Granted i’ve also been asked out and then before the bill had even settled on the table my date said “we splitting this then?” so it’s clearly not a universal front,

I have friends on both side of the fence, male and female. Some would never pay for a first date and be offended at the audacity of someone to suggest going dutch. Then I have others who are more likely to end a first date with a fist fight than let a man pay for their date. I can see both arguments and have felt both at some point.

Now I never want to be placed on any pedestal regardless of d/s relationship or otherwise, I am special and by all means never forget that and treat me as such but I don’t need you to walk around like I am precious china  (Although, by all means break me as your precious china and put me back together as you’d like) . I work, I’m secure I can cover myself. Relying and depending on others has long been something I have struggled with, so for these reasons I will always try and pay my way on a date. My purse will probably be out before your wallet is.

However,  the flip of this is, I do take the point that if you are asking to take me out, you’re not really doing that unless you’re paying. If it’s equal then we are going out, but to assume you are taking me out, you are assuming control of the date. I will still offer to pay, of course I would but this is the instance where there is probably something in the back of my mind wanting you to say “I got this”..

But as I said, if you lead with “let’s grab a drink” I go with no assumption or inclination or desire for you to pick up the tab.

By all means let me know your thoughts!

His home

This post is set about a month ago. I wrote it on the train back to London. For context we live around 400 miles away from each other. We had seen each other 2 weeks prior to this for my graduation and a night of living out some of my most depraved fantasies.

Still covered in welts and bruises, my nipples still showing evidence of much loved abuse I sat on the train assuming I knew what would happen during the next 4 days. I had agreed to be his slave. Truth is, I had no idea I would feel the way that I did. I was still on a high from seeing him two weeks ago, still loving the whimper of putting on a bra across my beaten nipples, but I felt as though I had not seen him in months. A smile never left my face throughout the three hour train journey, all of which was spent checking my reflection and texting him. I could tell he was ad excited as I was and that was the most amazing feeling.

As I got there I was told to always sit on the floor, I was not allowed on the furniture without permission, because I was late, in the beginning I was the furniture. During the last two weeks he had acquired some new toys. Thee studded wooden paddles and one deceivingly pretty kitty dragon. My arse instantly marked and bruised and it was a pain I had not really had much experience with. A whip was a quick harsh sting. These paddles delivered a harsh sting from the studs but a lasting thump from the wooden paddle. I quickly fell into a love hate relationship as I accustomed to this new dimension of pain.

I welcomed each blow, I welcomed the lasting pain from each time I sat down because I needed it. I needed him. I’m not writing this post to talk about the different feelings or levels of pain from each toy. This particular blog was written because I realized something about myself I did not really understand until he pulled me close to him and sat me between his legs. It is not hard to admit that in the past, while we have always talked and we have eaten together, when we see each other we play. However in this instance this was 4 days of us, the mundane tasks such as watching tv or waiting for him to come home from work. so insignificant an event but it evoked a sense of belonging. As he watched tv and I sat cuddled between his leg and he occasionally ran his hand through my hair. Or as I sat on my knees in the hallway waiting for him to come home and the smile on his face when he did, the call for me to go to him. No need for a whip, a belt, a wand, a paddle or a clamp I belonged. I wasn’t there purely to be beaten or for sex. I was there because he wanted me there.

I did know I belonged with him before this of course, that is something we both knew a long time ago, our relationship isn’t conventional but it works for us, always has, always will. It was the power in such a small touch distracting from a normal activity that showed me we are so much more than just play partners.

Of course we did play. Even now as I write something that was set a month ago my body is still covered with faint marks of one of the most extreme scenes we have done. I will leave you with the image, tied, unable to move on all fours, anal hook, whips, leather straps, paddles, snap dragon, kitty dragon all implements I had felt before but all in a quick and lasting succession until we both knew I had broken. He lifted me up and I laid in his arms and cried and drifted away.

It’s no secret.

It’s no secret that I have never been particularly subtle.

It’s no secret I have never bothered with hinting

It’s no secret that there is a quite a lot of things I am rubbish at, and it’s no secret I am rubbish at coping with that.

The truth is, there is quite a lot of things that I need to improve with, he said himself, there are aspects I should be better at by now. But he acknowledged it is not only down to me to improve. He knows if he wanted something done, it would be.

Improvement and self improvement has always been important to me, long before kink, long before recognizing my own desire to please others. As i’ve said before if you don’t feel happy no amount of hearing nice things will make you happy. Not for longer than 5 minutes anyway.

Self improvement for me is not about making a list of silly resolutions that I can head into the new year with and keep up for the first two weeks of January. I’m not interested in that, although some of what I aim to improve has been littered across many a resolution list..

I want to look better. I look good now, but good has never really been my thing. So I aim to change this. More difficult though, I want to be better at coping with loss and I need to learn to articulate in a more subtle way. Me and “him” have had a number of arguments recently because instead of acting rational and calm, I get defensive and angry. These are parts of my personality that have always been there, friends have said it, parents have said it but he said it. It’s not something that can be beaten out of me, it’s something I need to actively work on myself.

It’s the fight or flight. I’ve always been a fight kind of person. If I feel threatened or if something goes beyond my control walls come up. Always have. Does not make me a bad person, just occasionally leads me to a difficult cross roads as a submissive. As his submissive. Some of it, comes to not feeling much like his when we are so far apart from each other. some of it comes from regret for waiting until we were so far apart before taking our relationship seriously, but most of it comes from remembering the amazing memories that we have but wondering if they are just a part of our past. Wondering if “us” is more for me than it is for him.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I mean a lot to him, I know very well how important I am a person in his life. We accomplished so many things together and for many things shared first times and learned a lot. It is knowing this that allows me to carry on being his submissive because we are so far apart. It is knowing this that means we still speak everyday and it is knowing this that I write this blog filled with entries of our experiences because they make me proud.

Not to say I am changing for him, i’m not. It will benefit him, and us immensely, but I am fundamentally changing for myself, and that is the only reason anyone should change. On the contrary, I am not really changing, just hoping to grow. to be more rational and level headed in situations that are out of my control but knowing everything I say or do in that circumstance is justifiable and  honest.

When no suddenly means not now.

Firstly I want to state that this post wont be as light-hearted or contextually funny as my others because this is an issue in every culture, every race, every walk of life. It is an issue that I cannot possibly discuss in it’s entirety. It is an issue I am going to discuss in the world of BDSM,

If she says no the first time we meet, she isn’t submissive enough.

WRONG.

If she is not on her knees the very second I speak to her, she’s a bad submissive.

WRONG

Now after speaking with “him” tonight, I am very glad It was me who encountered the person who mistook dominance for the right to assault. I’m glad it was me who he mistook my voice for a need to control. For had it not been me… Who. I dare say if he’d have met the 18 year old me in my first post, the one who had no idea about real dominance and submission, it might have put me off pursuing this aspect of my life. His aggression at the word no could have scared me enough that I felt compelled to please him as I am sure has happened to thousands of girls.

Now of course this is not specifically a female submissive issue entirely, men can also be victim, but this post is solely about my experience.

It is always good practice to proceed with caution the first time you meet anyone, chances are they’re not an axe murderer but you really are better safe than sorry. Make sure you’re in a busy place. I can’t tell you how to act, you know how to conduct yourself i’m sure your parents warned you about strangers…

Like I said the chances are they’re a good person. I’d like to believe that anyway but if you find yourself like I did alone and in a room with someone who believed by identifying as a dominant that It was my duty to submit to him. Alone with someone who’s idea was not of dominance but of a superiority he had neither earned or deserved. And I fought. I’ve said earlier in a fight or flight i’ll always fight and if i’m backed into a corner you’ll regret it long before I do.

Because when I said “No” he heard “You’re not being forceful enough”.

When I still said no and backed away, he took that as me playing games.

He was an arsehole.

Simple

He is the reason BDSM is so widely misunderstood. He is reason people can be scared to try.